How to Stop Homeschooling

What?! You mean there are people who actually do that? Yes. There are.

In fact, globally, homeschoolers are not a homogeneous group. There are families that homeschool one child while sending another elsewhere for their education. Some school them at home all the way through high school and some choose to encourage their children’s education through outside mentors, teachers and classes. There are benefits to every way depending on your family make-up, tenacity, personalities, health, locations, hardships, goals, freedoms, worldview, needs, and support. But when a family comes to a point of wanting or needing to stop their homeschooling efforts there is little support out there for them.

Families who choose to desist schooling at home are not failures. They have not “given up.” They count the cost of stopping just as sincerely as they counted the cost of beginning in the first place.

I know this, because we are one of those families. In the fall, my oldest son whom I’ve homeschooled “from the beginning” will be going to a small charter school that, I believe, will challenge and enrich him in fabulous ways. Our younger two boys will continue to learn at home. There is a peace about how our family is developing and the opportunities God is giving us. But I feel a bit of the sting from the homeschooling world for our choice. Even so, I’m proceeding in the way I believe my family should go.

If you plan to stop homeschooling, I am here to support you as you find your new legs. Here are a few tips to think through as you process all of your thoughts and emotions.

1. Give attention to your hesitations; explore them. God speaks to us in all different kinds of ways. If you honestly can’t say you love homeschooling anymore, if you’re consistently frustrated, if you’ve tried changing curriculums, plugging into a support group, exploring your family’s learning styles, taking care of yourself, and if you’ve held onto homeschooling loosely so that God can do with it what he will, then keep listening. If the thought of doing this for one more year inwardly gives you pause, those hesitations are telling you something.

2. Find a new solution that meets all of your family’s needs. Will the new structure cater to your child’s learning style and personality? How will the schedule disrupt your family’s day-to-day routine? What adjustments and preparations will need to be made if you’re making a change? Consider everyone’s needs (including your own). If you feel like you’re sacrificing someone’s needs for the needs of another, keep considering other alternatives. This is a whole-family shift. Don’t force it, but welcome the change when it reveals itself.

3. Let go of the voices in your head that said you were “supposed” to do this forever. The only mandate we really have is to love. Only you can know what God specifically wants for your family. God will often move us in different directions and take us through hard experiences. But if we stay in an ideology out of fear of the unknown then we remain slaves to that ideology. We should be constantly re-evaluating every year whether we do so with the intent of stopping or not. If stopping is where you peacefully land, then bravely let it be.

4. Make a choice you can justify. Not only will you have to live with your choice but you’ll also find yourself answering the new voices that will ask, “Why?” Let your rationale for stopping be as sound as your reasons were for starting. Include your kids in this so that you understand each other’s needs. Homeschooling served its purpose for a time. Don’t be ashamed of that. Starting in a new direction should be done so with a resolute foundation.

5. Consider who you are outside of being a homeschool mom. If you are not going to continue at all, you will encounter a mammoth identity shift. Be comfortable, even excited, about who you will become. No one is encouraging you to abandon your children. Even as we daily walk beside them we are always living out our God-given identities, both as their mother and as His daughter or son. Continue confidently in your own journey of “becoming.” Your children will continue to take notice.

6. Stay involved. Stay really, really involved in your child’s education. Continue to be supportive, cheer your child on, help, pray and serve. Studies are clear that children whose parents are highly engaged in their education will have greater success.

Remember, you are not giving up; you are just changing paths.

It is my prayer that these thoughts would be well received by those who are desperately looking for grace in their decision. I pray that it spurs all of us on to encourage one another toward love and good deeds. I wish you peace in your next steps.

*originally published here.

The New Reality

We have done our research.  We have sought outside help.  We have evaluated where we're at as a family and where we want to be.  We have considered all the needs of all of our children (and their parents).  We have let this decision sit for a good year.  We have prayed.  We have cried.   And we have come out on the other side with peace.

Next fall, my oldest will be going to seventh grade at a small charter school here in town.  I have home schooled him from the beginning.  I have prepared him, loved him, pushed him, prayed for him, encouraged him, led him to knowledge and now it is time for him to drink for himself. 

I think his new wings will be broad and purposeful.

Thank you for your grace.

When Grace Comes with a Siren

A day after that last post I was in a car accident.

No.

I caused a car accident.

I entered the left turn lane of a busy intersection, noted my green signal, followed the momentum of the car in front of me -- not too closely -- , asked my son about how he'd gotten along in his karate class.  And then I screamed right before the crushing sound, the engine smoke billowing through my steering column, my youngest's giggle that turned into a rabbit-like predator call, the pain radiating in my shins. I was actually stunned to discover I shouldn't have turned.  The other driver had the right of way and I crossed into it.

The thing is that I knew this.  I use this intersection all the time.  I've been driving for over 20 years and I've never turned left when it was dangerous to do so.  I've never been at fault in an accident.  My driving record is clean.  How in the world did I momentarily forget this basic traffic rule?

By way of report, all people involved are fine.  The vehicles were totaled, but no one was hurt and we all walked away merely rattled.

However, I am haunted hourly by what could have happened, by what my two youngest boys will internalize, by the inconvenience and fright I caused another family.

After sitting with this for nearly a week, I've discovered that I'm mostly bothered by my own incompetence.  To my personality profile, incompetence is anathema.  I get stressed out by being around it.  I don't like mistakes, equipment failure, people who don't solve their own problems, or anything that gets in the way of my independence.  This is the unpretty picture of me.  Do I hide it well?  Sometimes.  Why do I hide it? Because it doesn't seem congruent with a life that's convinced of grace.

Sadly, and this is the lesson that I think I'm grasping, I often fall in the trap of even labeling my own children as incompetent.  This has been on my mind for a while now and when I can catch myself viewing them in this way (i.e. getting frustrated) I do a better job of backing up and trying again with a bit more understanding.  But I've been missing the mark and I've been wondering, just what does that kind of motherly grace actually look like? 

Perhaps I was the cause of a car accident because I'd meet a woman who would teach me something I needed to learn.  The mother of the teenage driver I hit leaped out of her Landcruiser and came to my vehicle straightaway.  She asked if I was okay.  She didn't look at me like I was crazy.  She didn't accuse me of anything.  I actually asked her how the accident happened and as she gently explained my incompetence glared me in the face.  I owned it.  I apologized.  She helped call 911 because I didn't look so good.  Later, she hugged me.  She let me cry. She said, "It's okay.  It's only property.  No one is hurt. God was watching out for us today."

Indeed.  And I hope that I got his message:  Grace looks like a hug from a woman who simply wants to believe you are better than that.  Grace offers forgiveness. Grace knows that you can try again and succeed. Grace knows who is in control even when the circumstances seem crazy. 

I hope that I can take this and pass it on to my kids as I daily try to encourage and uplift them toward the people they are becoming.  They make mistakes, they choose unwisely, they don't control themselves... but I can show grace and know that, in the end, they'll be better because I believe it to be so.

What's Good About Thursday

1.  It isn't Tuesday. 
Tuesday was a killer of a day for my oldest.  I found out that he hasn't done one of his subjects for a MONTH.  Seriously.  A month.  He's just been telling me it's done and I've just been wondering why it's taking so long to get through it.  It was my attempt at letting him be an independent learner.  I should have been checking his work, I know.  But, for crying out loud, he's in sixth grade and it's an easy assignment every day.  (Perhaps it's too easy and seems like busy work?)  In the end lying to me for a month breaks my heart more than the fact that he hasn't progressed through the topic.

2.  It's tax day. 
I have some friends who owe 10K to the government this year.  We were on the other end of that and received a return which we are very grateful for.  Aside from all that it's free kids meal day at Claim Jumper (and more free stuff at Cinnabon and Starbucks and Maggie Moo's) so we're going out to eat tonight.  DH and I can share a meal and get out of there for a steal.

3.  It's my Friday. 
The older boys have classes away from home on Fridays.  Recently I have found myself purging the basement of all school-related items every Thursday, happily bringing in my weekend and putting all thoughts of books and projects out of my mind.  Our family room is so much more relaxing when you don't have to sit on colored pencils and I look forward to Fridays with just my little guy, my gym class and, if I plan it right, a couple hours of quiet while he naps.