Wednesday, October 30
The Life I've Been Missing
I was tempted to dive backwards today.
Into the turmoil and false fronts.
To correct and defend and swirl the confusion toward clarity.
But my soul said, "No."
This is my truth today: I am not the Almighty. He -- who can be everywhere at once, crossing time to repair all things, threading all experiences together to painfully heal and purposefully harmonize...the stolid and the sober, the faulty and the fixed. Nothing is wasted. Everything comes together -- He is the one named for it, Everlasting to Everlasting.
I am only present. And the word speaks to me as just that:
...bread for today...
...rejoice today and be glad...
...this day your eyes have seen...
The past few months I've attempted to figure out that great trick of God = how to dwell equally in all times: past, present and future. A completely un-recommended attempt that leads straight to failure and discontent. I am not named everlasting. My name only means "bee."
And so the todays have passed me by. I'm determined to catch them now before they go, to grab the tips of their scarves, the trim of their coat and turn them toward me so I can see them clearly and present my biggest ask, "Can I be present with you?"
Today the gray sky provided the canvas for the yellow leaves and purple mums and green grass. I looked out at it all and gasped. Has it been like this all week? Has the glory been speaking without me? Have I been thinking so hard of summer and wishing for a million ways to redo it?
The tree across the street is on-fire red, my own burning bush to call me forth and reassure me, "I have seen. I have heard. I know. I have come. Now go!"
Today, I awoke from a long, restless sleep. The I AM, the ever-present one, has sent me into the present.
This is my resolution: I will look hard into each day. I will share what I saw, what I noticed. This is my spiritual discipline: A fast from the worries of the past and future.