Marginality

Experience marginality and

replenish the reservoir of compassion. 

-- Henri Nouwen

I arrived at the east entrance bewildered to see the metal detectors, armed guards.
     "I think I'm at the wrong entrance."
     "Where you headed?"
     "Employment First?"
     "This is the place.  Bag in the tray.  Empty your pockets."
I passed through the detector and sighed at the beep.
     "What you got in there?" he said with a sly smile, grabbing the wand, remembering all the others.
     "Buckles on my boots."
     "Oh, yes."

In these first moments of the exercise, one I tasked myself, deemed as spiritual - that of moving myself into the margins, I wanted to turn around, forget it.  But my name was on a list somewhere and I had to trade my presence for help.  Just like everyone.

In the room: name signed, cold plastic chair, forms read, expectations announced.  The girl to my left, bracelets rattling, blond hair attractive, moved here for a job that didn't last long enough -- rug pulled out from under her.  The women on my right, red plaid shirt, dark sad eyes, badly mumbled what little she said.  I wanted to find out more stories to connect the paths that brought us together. All of us image of God and human flesh.  But this room persisted in silence and sighs.

#

Last month I signed our family up for food stamps.  It was an afterthought, a "let's give it a try" moment. While I filled out the application for a different state aid program I simply checked that box too.   

Just a few days later, a warm and unexpected efficiency, the phone call came for an intake interview.  It seemed like an afterthought when she said, "Because you are underemployed you qualify for Employment First.  It's attached to your food assistance.  Can you come to the orientation?"
     "Sure."
     "We'll go over job interview skills, resumes, workplace training."
     "Uh, ok."
     "Great.  See you then."

When the form arrived in the mail it said something about "attending all meetings."  Something else about a case manager.  I felt trapped.  I have a calling; I don't need a job.  I struggled with pride.  With guilt.  With shame. I tried to breathe in the greater good.

#

In the room: together we filled in our blanks, signed the yellow page, made a choice from the list.

"Eight hours of volunteer work before next week."
"Another meeting on Wednesday."
"Bring twelve employer contacts with you."
"Volunteering starts now.  Color a bag for Project Angelheart.  No 'God Bless You' statements."

Our table was tasked with collating forms before we drew autumn scenes on the brown bags that would carry meals to the threatened lives.  I stuffed hard the pride that wanted to roll the eyes. The sad-eyed woman seemed grateful to do what she needed to.  At least she wasn't needing the meal her bag would carry to the dying.  I followed her response and picked up my crayon.

"In a state of reverence we stand in the full presence of another, while being fully present ourselves. There is deep acceptance and love in this state, as we encounter the image of God in each other." L.L. Barkat

I wanted to do this as a spiritual exercise.  I wanted to grow in hospitality as a fundamental expression of the gospel. I wanted be a more hospitable host, one that anticipated the kingdom, one that welcomed the margins.  Hospitality isn't just a momentary kindness, or as the social services model, a well-managed give and take that labeled me according to my need and maintained my isolation. I didn't need another job. I didn't need to volunteer at a thrift store to learn skills.  I needed to eat and I needed to be seen.

But I also needed to be a stranger; to be pressed to the margins again.  I can already say I've been homeless.  I can say I've endured a long season of unemployment. But if I'm going to open myself up to a ministry for anyone, then I needed to know what these brothers and sisters have to do to be helped.  I needed to know in a first-hand way and to move into their suffering and build a house there.

"The most transformative hosts are 'bridge people'."  Christine Pohl

At the three-hours end, I felt too many barriers to move forward with this experiment. My new friends were going to have to work hard and show up and get signed off and keep returning just to eat.  I had tasted the same smokey air, waited in the same line, chose from the same lists of workplaces, sat in the same abashed silence.  I took my name off the list.  I would eat another way.

Today:

I'm not a stranger. I'm loved and known by friends who see me.  Whose children pick corn right from the stalk and pile it into bags and offer it to me to take home.  Today my community fed me.  And I would do the same for them or for anybody.  Because caring for others is caring for Jesus.  And when my new brothers and sisters come around I can say to their story, "I know what those first steps are like.  Come in."

Following A Nudge

When we sit down together, paper cups of tea or coffee warming our hands - defenselessly shifting the coffee sleeve up and down, this way, then that -- coffee shop changing the soundtrack from blender humm to register bells to laughing chorus, you'll hear me say this.

"What's the nudge you think you should follow?"

It's the question of, "What's the most right thing you can do right now?"  When you look at me with multiple choice anxiety, I'll move you toward choosing the best right answer. The thing you would do if you could live today over again.  The thing that might be hard, or hidden, or holy.

I spend my days paying attention to and following those nudges, those promptings which are, I believe, from the Spirit of God.  The little moments we have to stitch trust over our fear, the ideas of wonder that intrigue us just enough, the cocoons we have to wrestle out of to see our new creation.

What if I did that, said that, pointed that out?  
What if I invited her, prayed with her, smiled at her?  
What if I just simply called, stopped by, paid for it, apologized, planned it, leaned in, said nothing?  

These aren't callings, they're actions; small pieces of the main point of everything. And I've noticed that they're all relational. There hasn't been one where I was nudged to plant a garden, take a trip, eat healthy, mow the lawn.  It's more like making someone aware that they are not alone, forgotten, discarded, misunderstood.  It's an act of encouragement, invitation, challenge, or community.  Following nudges moves me toward people. 

#

This is a story about my new friend, Allie, who showed me what following a nudge actually does.

It began during a recent time, I won't belabor it, just a couple months ago, when I was ripped away from my people.  When the fact that I called them community, felt their heartbeat just like my own, was inconsequential in some young men's eyes and we were corporately told, "You just don't fit."   (Enough of that old story, this is about today.)

I walked my son to school, feeling that pressure in my throat and behind my eyes.  This wouldn't be a strong day. The walking lent therapy.  The parents all -- converging together, kisses left atop the heads of their children -- lent hope.  But I missed my people and I was lost. I began the walk home, knowing what the day had for me and willing myself out of the cloud so I could just be strong.

Ahead of me, up the block, a woman stopped walking, paused, turned around and walked toward me. Ah, she forgot something, maybe one more kiss on that young head she just left.  No, she came to me and asked her first question, "What was your name again?"

And then the woman, who didn't even remember my name, on the very day that I missed my community so badly, invited me into a praying community of mothers.

I was stunned at the Spirit's care for me, at his amazing attention to me.  It was so obvious what he had done and how she, obedient to his nudge just did the next right thing.

This is why I push you.  This is why I tell you to do these things.  Because the changes we want to see in the world are really all relational.  The one force that divides and scatters us is fear.  But love casts out fear and love is nothing if not relational.

"If we have no peace it is because we have forgotten that we belong to one another."                -- Mother Teresa.

This is the change that happens when we're intentional to act on what we know is right and then, too, to receive it as gift from God who loves to give us those good things like candy.

So Today 
The thing that was right in front of me was this story.  I went to the prayer group for the third time.  I am following this story to see how God wants to write it.  I leaned in not only to new relationships, but into prayer, asking God to let the discipline shape me and change my now healing heart.

Today I took hold of the good thing that he gave me when my new friend listened to his voice and said, "What if?"  When she wasn't afraid of the hard and stood there together with me in the holy.

Take Part in Colorado Gives Day

Even if you don't live in Colorado, you can do something great for someone else today.  We talk a lot about doing something good for ourselves, but there's a balance.  Consider giving one less gift to someone this Christmas and giving that amount to one of these great causes today.


1.  charity:water
My church, The Next Level Church in Denver, Colorado, held a benefit last night at a very cool and very premier music venue in town, The Gothic Theater.  Our band was fantastic, my dh gave his most compelling message and we talked about people other than ourselves.  People who have to drink dirty, diseased water.  People who have to walk miles or hours each day just to get this essential nutrient for life.  I water my lawn, run the dishwasher, let my kids fill water balloons with this thing that is really the key to physical life or death.

TNL wants to raise $5,000 to build a well for a developing country.  100% of your donations go to building that well.  The organization funds it's infrastructure in other ways.  Your donation simply gives water...life.   If we exceed $5,000, well, then let's just go for $10,000.  The link above will take you there and you don't have to be part of TNL, and you don't have to live in Colorado to be part of a clean water solution.  Just give.


2.  Sponsor a Child
My friend, Eisley Jacobs, a fellow Christian homeschooling mom and soon to be published author of a middle grade fantasy novel, sponsors an Ethiopian child through World Vision.  There are 139 other children living near her child that need a sponsor.  $35 a month.  These kids live in communities severely affected by the HIV virus and your sponsorship gives them nutritious food, health care, education and clean water.  Use the link above to sponsor a child and make Eisley's day knowing that more children will be cared for across the world.  (She's going to Ethiopia herself right after Christmas!)


3.  The Gathering Place
This is a Denver day shelter for women and children affected by poverty and homelessness.  It's a phenomenal facility and the motto is essentially, "You are accepted here just as you are."  They have a daycare center, counselors, food, clothing, a nap room, a cafeteria, an art studio... it's a wonderfully affirming place.  Donate to them today like this:
1.  Go to our GivingFirst webpage:  http://www.givingfirst.org/thegatheringplace
2.  On the checkout screen, enter your dollar amount
3.  Choose "yes" for the question, "Is this a recurring donation?"
4.  Set your "First Installment date" to 12/08/2010
5.  Choose 12/10/2010 for "When should this donation end?"
6.  Click "Add to cart."

Less is More 2010

This Friday is Make Something Day at our house.  We've observed this day for three years now and we all enjoy knowing that we don't have to do anything the day after Thanksgiving except make Christmas gifts for our family.  We have most of our supplies ready to go.  I can't let you in on what we're making this year, but I can tell you what we made last year.

Our homeschool group had a co-op day in December where we assembled bath products with essential oils.  The host had the pretty tins, bags and tags all ready to go.  These were the gifts the boys gave their Friday school teachers.

As a newbie at high altitude I don't know what possessed me to try giving baked gifts, but I think it all turned out okay. We iced some ring cakes like the one on the right and gave them to dh's co-workers.  We ate everything else you see here.

For friends far away we make a little photo album every year with one or two pictures from every month so they can see how the boys are growing. This little album was just 4"x4".

B loved this project.  He grated up several bars of soap (it made for a couple quiet hours), we mixed the shavings with a little bit of water and then pressed them into cookie cutters and let them dry.  He packaged them into clear cellophane bags for his cousin, uncles and grandparents.

This was B's other big project.  He wanted a sewing project. This kit we bought at the craft store made six cute silverware holders for his grandma's Christmas table.  He did get tired of the detail work toward the end, but most of it was his own work.

J's gift turned out really cute.  These are little throw pillows we made using a freezer paper stencil that he drew, cut out, ironed on the fabric and painted with fabric paint.  We borrowed a friend's sewing machine to put them together. Then he stuffed them and hand sewed the opening.  Two grandmas and two aunts enjoyed the results.

This was my project.  Post-it note booklets and magnetic refrigerator pads with very small pencils. 

S painted some wooden ornaments but I didn't get photos of them. If you're interested, you can google all of these projects and find out how to make them.  None of these ideas are original to me.  If you want to see what we did the year before you can see that post here. 

Here are some other sites I've enjoyed looking at to get ideas for this year:

• Advent Conspiracy 
• JustAGirl blog
• Givers Log
• Buy Nothing Christmas 
• Design Sponge Online
• Just Something I Made

What to Do with Equipping

I read a little book yesterday that stated and restated the concept of just doing what you can to help others.  Whether our impact is big or little is moot; it's the attempts that seem to make the most impact sometimes.

My life philosophy the past six months or so has been along the same vein.  As I've sought to "live a life of no regrets" I've been more faithful to obey the small, inner promptings -- those feelings that in years past proved to haunt me if I didn't follow through on them -- without predetermining what the outcome should be.  The truth is, I can't know the outcome, I can only do what I think is right.

Putting words to the principle I've been intentionally living out, the middle of this little book said this: "Perhaps I need to grab hold of the reality that what God has equipped me to do, he has invited me to do."  That's where I'm at.  The days of trial and error in my own areas of gifting are passed. I've tried many, many, many facets of ministry and I know which ones give me joy, which ones give me pause and which ones give me the the heebie-jeebies. Therefore, I do not continue to force the issue.  I know my strengths and I work within them, hoping that they'll just get stronger as I do.  This means I've whittled down my list to a very select few areas that I know I am equipped for and because that equipping is already there, I move with those promptings.

This is at odds with an oft quoted modern proverb, "God doesn't call the equipped.  He equips the called."  I don't know where this quote came from, but it single-handedly derailed my service efforts for years.  So, nervous was I that I no longer had a "call" and was no longer qualified for service that I made very few attempts to work within my strengths.  I did other things, behind the scenes things, took on support roles, joined bandwagons and took very little risk. I daily hoped that not only would he equip me, but he would, once again, call me.  It produced many unsatisfactory days...years.

These are two very opposite and yet trust-filled statements.  One has you on your feet and one has you on your knees.  But...

...waiting on your knees has a place and maybe, even, a time limit.  How long do you stay there before you rise up again and go and be? I've been and I've seen friends paralyzed by the continual act of prayer without action.  Praying just to double-check direction sometimes turns into second-guessing God rather than trusting and that's yet another hole to throw yourself into while you wait for the slave caravan to pass by.  Keep moving.  He put you in the position you're in because you are already, in some way, equipped to be there.  Moses, Mary the mother of Jesus, David, Simon Peter, others... seemingly ill-equipped were exactly the opposite.  Perhaps the equipping was hidden to them.  Yet one more reason we need community around us to help define and redefine where we should be -- as they all did.

God could use anyone, but I think he's much, much smarter than that, and he's always more than one step ahead.  Trust him and steward well what you already have and know and are.

Your Obedience Affects Me

Today the Terpstra's left the continent to follow God's leading to work in Africa.  They wanted to leave a year ago --  raising support takes time though. But at least two years ago they took the first step to say, "O.K., God.  We'll go."  And with that step of obedience our stories began to intertwine; we eventually became the ones to take their place of service at TNL, and God's great silence in our lives lifted.

It's amazing how your obedience will affect someone else's life; someone you never expected.  I have to wonder how many times did my obedience begin a domino effect in someone else's life?  Did my leaving that one place create a space for someone else to find purpose there?  Did my going to that other place for a short time mean something to someone even though it made no sense to me?  When I said that phrase, gave that gift, followed that urging, what changed?

We may never know how our obedience affects others, at least not fully.  But it's mysterious to think about it.  And it's certainly more peace-giving to consider this than to only consider how our obedience changes only our own lives.  Because it doesn't.  We are all connected.

"If we have no peace it is because we have forgotten that we belong to one another."  -- Mother Teresa

Thank you, Father, for speaking.  Help me to listen and obey more and more.

Teaching Friendship

Today was the boys' field day for their once-a-week class.  J had to say good-bye to friends because he won't be in that program next year.  He had his yearbook in hand and I know he hoped to fill it with signatures.  But, rather than say, "See ya later," when all the planned activities were over, he chose to just leave.  I don't blame him.  Saying, "Good-bye" stinks. 

To him, though, this is just how it is; you get to know kids for a short while and then you have to leave them.  He's had to say good-bye to friends just about every year since he was five and it pulls on me everytime.  His dad met his best friend when he was in second grade.  They have a long history and I think it's an amazingly rare kind of relationship.  I made two big moves in my own young life and so I know what it means to break ties again and again.  But I still keep in touch with some friends from middle school and I just recently found my "best friend in fifth grade" on Facebook.  However, J has never even had the opportunity to really dig in and know a person long-term. 

Teaching your kids the art of true friend-making is difficult, particularly since we've moved five times in the past six years.  We've been extremely active in all kinds of groups, classes, sports, and activities.  In one location, ours was the house in the neighborhood that was the most fun to play at.  Inviting friends into our lives has never been an issue.  Its the keeping that we want to do now. 

Friendships take a long time to build, especially when you're young and your personality and values are still embryonic. My hope is that he is now in the right geographical and emotional place to do this in a deeper way.  I hope that he finds new friends at his new school that he can know forever. I hope that he can begin to let down the guard of "I'm always the new kid" and give this next experience a good, solid shot. I hope that he continues to pursue the relationships that he's already begun and takes the time to recognize the value of letting your life story mix in with others.   Because if it's up to me (and I know it isn't) I'm not going to move him anywhere, ever again.  

But if he's going to do this, he needs to see me doing it first.  I left the field day today feeling like that group of people wasn't my community and today I remain as un-invested in it as I was on the first day last September. There are other places and people where I choose to invest my time and he sees that, but I had a chance for my community and my son's community to intersect and I didn't take advantage of it.  That was foolish.

So, you can bet, that next year I'll be the best room-mom I can possibly be. I'll be more intentional about creating circles that intersect with his.  And the relationships that we pursue, thrive or fail, will be formative and enriching if we're both open to the possibility that lies ahead of us.

April First and Holy Week

Every year we take a two week spring break; we can observe Holy Week before Easter and take a week for renewal the week after Easter.

Years ago, when this tradition began and having no prior experience observing Holy Week, I simply wanted to leave a void and see what developed. In my head I pictured it as something like an advent wreath or a nightly family vespers. However, nothing has materialized that we routinely repeat every year.

This year's Holy Week has been filled with meaning for me. The events that have converged during this week have been thoughtfilled, introspective, communal, and worshipful.

The weekend began with a silent retreat with my community. I've never spent an entire day in silence and being silent when there are so many inspiring people a whisper away is a foreign experience. But because we all struggled in that silence together, it was powerful for me to walk alongside my friends practicing this discipline with them. It was a time of joy for me, for remembrance, for renewal. And Palm Sunday began with our first spoken words as we served one another communion. A fitting entry back into the verbally worshipping world.

Our church community worships on Tuesday nights. This means we don't have Palm Sunday or even Easter Sunday to begin and end the story. It seems to create an even quieter Holy Week. But we entered into worship on Tuesday already in process. While we were engaged in life the holy had begun and I caught up my breath to remember it.

Dotted throughout the week there were times for community. A friend and her son joined us for dinner before worship, we engaged in experiences with our co-op several days this week, time with a friend at the park, coffee, planning meetings... as if the holy week is huddling us together reminding us that relationship is the very essence of God.

And today.

Today is the first of April. And in our house it's not about fooling one another, but about remembering God's help and presence. Today is our own Ebenezer. And we observe it by remembering and helping those without homes, as we once were. It just happens to fall on Maundy Thursday this year; a fitting time to offer a "stone of help" to others.

Friday is coming and I look forward to taking the boys through an interactive Easter experience close to our house. Annually, Friday is a sweet time for me as I pray that God will be made real in the hearts of my boys.

Sunday. Resurrection day. Our first year here in Denver, our first anniversary being the church with the people of TNL, and marking for me the thirty-second year that I've walked this journey after Christ.

Perhaps you observe Holy Week in a formal way. Perhaps it's a bittersweet time of remembering your Lenten commitment. Perhaps you run through it preparing Easter dinner, baskets and family gatherings this weekend. To all of us, may we consider how the holy is persistently awaiting our notice of it and turn to look at it.

Peace.

Homeschoolers for Haiti

Our local homeschool group is hosting a bake sale TODAY to raise money to send to Haiti via the American Red Cross.

It lasts until 2:00 (or until they are sold out)
at 14023 Denver West Parkway, Golden Co 80401.
Outside Service Magic, Inc.

There are many great things about this venture:

• the parent company for Service Magic is going to match whatever we raise (which was $150 before the sale even began).
• my kids wanted to help and we got to talk about the whole thing.
• our cookies will turn into blankets and medical care and water and housing...

If you want to donate to our cause (and have your donation doubled) send me a Facebook message today!

****Update: As of 4:15 Denver time we have raised $2739.18 and that's before it gets matched! How cool is that!?

Review: The Little Pilgrim's Progress

We just finished a unit that was infused with the character of God. The read aloud I chose was The Little Pilgrim's Progress by Helen L. Taylor. It's my understanding that she took the original work by John Bunyan and wrote it for children. I can't compare it to the original because I've never read it, but this book is beautifully written, has extremely short chapters, and is filled with line drawings to give the kids a visual. It's really a nice piece of work.

But I ditched it.

We got through Christian's story and stopped before Christiana's story due to allegorical issues -- ideas that are quite adverse to the faith I'm instilling in my boys:

1. Vanity Fair. Christian leaves this horrible experience with NO sign of grief, no visible show of change as a result of what he experienced. If it were me, my very next chapter would have been about how Christian threw himself upon the ground at the outskirts of the city and mourned for Vanity Fair, eating the grass and pouring dirt over his head. Does one really witness martyrdom and then brush it off?

2. Ignorance. As is true for practically everyone met along the way, Ignorance is greeted coldly by Christian and his companion, held at arms length and essentially written off because his journey looks differently than theirs does. They engage in a debate and decide that he is not worth waiting for. I find myself actually holding Christian responsible for the wicked end that Ignorance meets. If he had invested in him, shown him some compassion, asked more probing questions, walked beside him... If little Christian were taking seriously his call to be salt and light to the world wouldn't Ignorance be one of his most interesting and fulfilling relationships? Oh, that's right -- he never is called to be salt and light. It is evident that his only calling is to the Celestial City. Selfish tunnel vision fills this book and compassion for others is non-existent.

3. The Shining One. [The Christ Figure] And I quote, "But although the King had sent His servant to seek for the lost children and to bring them back into the right path, He was not pleased with them, and He had commanded the Shining One to punish them for their foolishness." Oh, there's more..."I shall be obliged to punish you, because you have now been pilgrims for a long time, and you would not have lost your way if you had done as the Shepherds told you." And then he beats them with a whip. No joke. Jesus comes down and beats his servants with a whip. What Bible is this from? [Now you could say that the Shining One is an angel, but there's too many similarities to The Angel of the Lord for me to agree.]

4. The Journey. The point of the journey is to get to the Celestial City [Heaven]. And that's IT. There is no desire to transform the lives of people around them. The only people they seem to be interested in influencing are those whom they chose to leave behind at home. There is no care for any other person's pain or sense of loss regarding their direction in life. No counseling, no healing of any kind. It's all about their own, individual journey. Anyone who seems to be a hindrance is left behind and truly forgotten. Please, don't let me teach my boys to be this kind of Christian.

5. The Celestial City. To Christian, Heaven is the end, the point, the goal of life. It seems that getting to the place of Heaven is even more important than being in the presence of the King who loves him. Oh, for many years, I thought this too. But God is at work to rescue and redeem all of creation on our behalf through the work of Jesus Christ. This whole journey is NOT just about Heaven. It's about life now, transforming, redeeming, communing, blessing and leading. It's also about a new heaven and a new earth later. Heaven is not the end-all of life after death. There is much more to come after that.

So, while this old classic has a place, it won't be in the hearts of my guys.

"You Are Accepted Here Just as You Are"

We say this phrase at our church every week, but I've never felt the benefits of this phrase more than I felt today. However, it didn't come from my church community. It came from my all-walks-of-life-and-we-like-it-that-way homeschool group.

We went to Park Day with our group this afternoon. It was a huge turn out today with maybe 15 families. My Bigs like to go and play Nerf gun wars* with the other boys. In fact they were completely motivated to get all school work done by 11:30 so they could go.

*I've given up on trying to keep them away from play guns. While I don't buy them for the boys or let them have them at home, I realize that boys will turn everything into a gun and I'm just going to have to be okay with that.

J has some difficulty with separating reality from fiction. He can also be impulsive, explosive and commandeering. So, when he pushed another boy down I knew it was play in his mind but I also knew that the other boy did not consider it to be playful.

Then he ran and jumped on J and wrestled him to the ground and before my eyes they were going at it like two jocks in a schoolyard. Dang. That was my kid.

I broke it up and the other mom came running and we had the conversations that needed to be had with our sons. Apologies were made. No one was hurt and I don't think the boys have hard feelings for one another. But the embarrassment kind of sticks with everyone, you know?

So, I walked back to the circle-of-moms who inquired about the scene. I gave them the short version -- feeling foolish, feeling inadequate, feeling completely embarrassed and stupid. And although they didn't say the phrase word for word they did say:

• "That's okay."
• "That's what park day is for... to learn these lessons."
• "Are they okay?"
• "Are YOU okay?"
• "I have problems with anger outbursts too."

I have been a part of co-ops and Christian groups that have "discipline covenants." My son has been asked to leave two of these Christian groups because he broke the discipline covenant. I'm pretty sure that in any other place a fist-fight would have been grounds for removal.

But for us it was the grounds by which we received more acceptance and grace. Moms journeying together: It's a good thing.

Thank you, Park Group. You totally blessed me today.

Intentional Choice

Before we even moved to Denver I did some serious re-evaluation of the value of a Christian homeschool co-op. I completely understand the reason for their existence and I even helped start one up in our city. But in terms of living missionally, I had difficulty lining up my family's vision with that of the Christian co-op.

You see, I do not homeschool my children in order to shelter them from the world. Therein lies one of the major differences between me and others on this journey. I understand that rationale I just, respectfully, don't share it. I do exercise my freedom to expose my kids to the less idyllic things of the world when it's appropriate to do so (on our family's timetable and not someone else's) and when we can have a decent two-way discussion about it.

In addition to this, I want to instill in my kids that its okay to feel comfortable with people who are different from them be it in philosophy, lifestyle, worldview or anything. In my experience with Christian co-ops, there tended to be a moral agenda that was assumed to be bottom-line biblical. There was also a political agenda that was actually based on fear. While there were many in the co-op who truly loved others, there was a general feeling that we needed to be intently concerned about ourselves and minimally concerned about the world around us. I struggled with this because I understood (and still understand) it, I just couldn't set my priorities that way knowing that the gospel is the good news that God has come to rescue and redeem all of creation through the work of Jesus Christ on our behalf.

In my attempt to do what Jesus said... to be "salt and light" in the world... I needed to step out of the Christian bubble, to engage the culture around me so that in knowing it more fully I could bless it. To, first of all, love it. Plain and simple. I have difficulty intentionally doing that in a homogeneous group that portends to exist outside of and boldly against culture.

The homeschooling group I've found here in Denver is a wonderful mix of all kinds of families. I suspect a good many have a Christian belief system, but that's not the main assumption we make about each other. The things that bind us together are the basic daily tasks of schooling, loving and training our children well, exposing them to a myriad of transformative encounters, and encouraging one another through the less idyllic experiences of our own lives. It's stretching me as I learn a deeper way to love and listen. There is much to be learned here, but if I can't love learning (or love people) then I can't teach my kids to do the same.

Tough stuff to think about.

Picking up Some Pieces

We've begun our school days again. A whole week is behind us now. Monday was a short day as we went to do a service project with our new co-op. Friday was a snow day in which we only accomplished the bare essentials.

Today is going well. We had some good discussion about JFK and MLK and math didn't take hours. Part 2 of our day is coming up in a few minutes after I piece together some unfinished things I have to tend to.

...like finding a new grocery store.
...dealing with a bank issue.
...figuring out how to to meet up with a guy so we can buy his couch.
...putting things away that were left out due to my yucky stomach illness this weekend.

The stuff of normal life.

And yet today I think my life is supposed to be interrupted.

Because I am a transplant in a new place I choose to make myself a student of the culture around me. I had the chance last night to hear the real-life struggles of several new friends...upbringings that would make you cry and health issues that seem so completely uncalled for. And it hit me again that we were not moved here to begin a glamorous life doing the thing we always wanted to do, but to do the things that are the hardest to do. I'm glad that in these past five years I have learned how to cry, because doing it well here may very well be my calling.

Today, the culture is mourning as well. The Columbine High School shooting was 10 years ago today. At that time I worked as a church office manager when one of the youth group girls called my office bawling and frantic that I had to turn on the t.v. and pray that God would save the people in Littleton. I watched from a thousand miles away and prayed that he would do exactly that. The fact that today I live there -- just six miles away -- is surreal to me.

In the middle of the stuff of normal life I realize that my little pieces are minuscule compared to God's big picture of redemption. But in some mysterious way, my little pieces help put it all together. I never imagined that I'd be put in this place, praying this prayer, crying these cries but it's my calling for the day.

And now the other "calling" wants lunch.

We're Going Barefoot on Thursday

and it has nothing to do with the fact that we don't want to get out of our pajamas.


Go here for more.

Helping People

To go along with our study of the Presidents (this week it is Coolidge, Hoover and FDR) we are thinking about how to help others. Hoover dove into war relief efforts and FDR did a bazillion thing for the downtrodden through his New Deal policies. Some ideas succeeded and some didn't. The point was that they cared and they did something rather sitting on their bum. This is the character trait I want to instill in my kids.

So, their project idea was to build a facility that would help people in some way. They call it the Lobby. It has a health agency, a supply cabinet, a travel agency, beds and a pool table. The downtrodden can come here to get some pretty specific needs met. We all agreed it would be great have something like this in real life where they can go and feel loved and human during the day.

J turned the project into a media presentation using his mp3 player to do narration. I wish I could post it. It had creative titles and even a dedication to FDR in the credits. Here are some other features though:

The people outside can't wait to get in. (See the guy banging on the window?)

They are orderly, however, and line up at the door.


They check out their pool cues from the front desk.

And they can lay down for a nap

after they take off their hat.

There's a bunch of really funny pictures that are too fuzzy to post. But the whole project just has J written all over it. He loves to do these things.

On top of that we thought hard about what things we can do to help the poor. So, we found some things to give to the Community Warehouse, some other things to give to another family who is starting over and we even called Dad at work to ask him to buy some things on clearance that we can simply give away. Saturday we'll spend time with friends who are leaving to help the people of Bangladesh. I love it when life and learning totally intersect. These are things we would have done ANYWAY.

Finishing Here

A year ago we were preparing to move. Trying to keep momentum in our schooling was difficult to say the least. First, we looked for months for a house over the river in our favorite city of Portland. Secondly, some vocational things came up that pulled on us emotionally. Thirdly, once we finally found a house to rent there was the disarray of packing and the distraction of getting it all done. And finally, I was deeply considering giving up homeschooling.

Somehow we muddled through all of that and ended up staying the course in our homeschooling. I have to say that I held it all very loosely and just waited for God to say, "Let go." But when our circumstances shook down, I didn't -- it seemed in the boys' best interest to continue for various reasons.

Now we're moving again. This one is bigger... it's not just over the river and there is a real sense of permanence in this move. This time we're leaving our favorite place and all of the support I've built around me. I've been doing this long enough to feel comfortable in my role as a mother-teacher. But am I too comfortable? A part of me thinks that so far I've done my sons a favor by keeping them home because moving around as much as we have would have wreaked havoc on traditional schooling. But how far will the favor take them?

We believe in living missionally... incarnationally. Will they learn to do this in a semi-sheltered setting? Will I be able to speak this greater message to them if they are dulled by my familiarity? Is looking down the road at "how they turn out" the correct perspective or should their transformational experiences of today be my focus? Will I ever be successful to teach that life isn't all about us if I continue to keep us all about US? The most inspiring family I know of runs a ministry here in Portland called Blanket Coverage. From the get-go, they had their kids out on the streets with them meeting the needs of the homeless. Because they didn't live in fear of the suffering that could come of that they now live with the knowledge that they taught the greater lessons of feeling compassion, taking courage, and treating all people with dignity and respect. I want to do that. My boys need me to do that or I've truly failed as their parent.

So, it seems, on several levels we are busy about finishing our life here. Here = Portland, evergreen (!), our co-ops, work, places we frequent, present relationships (which will continue tho the presence will be missed). But here also means what we do inside our family to build up young men who love others. I have no idea if I'm finished homeschooling though I hand-picked the school district we will be living in just in case. Again, I find myself holding this endeavor very loosely -- which we must learn to do with all things.

There will be tears (there already have been... are now). I can't tell you all the fabulous things I have gratefully and painfully learned at this precious stop in our journey. But I'm looking ahead to what things my boys need to learn and maybe the next chapter needs to me more about letting them experience lessons that, when left to me, I'd never have the courage to teach them.